The Hairy Mushroom
by Kanene
Summary: Modeled after Eugene Ionesco's absurdist work, "The Bald Soprano," "The Hairy Mushroom" features Hogwarts students after graduation. Only Ron and Hermi. right now, but more in later chapters. PG because could be hard to follow, and G just doesn't look--
1. Default Chapter

The hairy mushroom

The hairy mushroom

In a Muggle town, in a Muggle house, filled with Muggle furniture and lit by Muggle lights, Hermione, a Witch from a Muggle family, and Ron, a Wizard from a Wizard family, sit in front of a Muggle fire drinking Muggle tea.  Outside the Muggle window, Muggle rain pounds on the Muggle glass.  

Hermione: I had a wonderful day today at the office.  There were very few people in the hospital, which is always a good thing, because it means fewer people have been hurt, and fewer people are sick.  It is a cheerful thing to think that the world is so devoid of darkness.  Ever since You-know-who was defeated in the last war, I have been expecting him to return.  Yet now it seems that he—if that thing can be given a sex—has finally disappeared for good.  

All this time, Ron has been stirring his Muggle tea without looking up.  When Hermione pauses a Muggle pause, he raises his head, nods to acknowledge her Muggle words, and takes a\ Muggle sip.  Hermione continues.  She has a cup of Muggle tea in one hand, but does not drink from it.

Hermione:  I'm so happy that Harry has finally settled down with that lovely Frenchwoman, Gabrielle.  The two can start a family; I know that Harry has always adored children.   Why, the way he plays with little Paige and Phineas, you just know he was born to be a father.  It's funny, though, after we spent that awful time in Tartarus, I thought that Harry would never be happy again.  He still expects You-know-who to appear again, after all these years, and to tell the truth, I agree with him.  Why, today at the hospital, you we had such a large number of emergency room patients.  I wouldn't be surprised if You-know-who did make a return, what with this new spree of violence in the air.  

All this time, Ron has been stirring his Muggle tea without looking up.  When Hermione pauses a Muggle pause, he raises his head, nods to acknowledge her Muggle words, and takes a Muggle sip.  Hermione continues.  She has a cup of Muggle tea in one hand, but does not drink from it.

Hermione:  I, myself, have been too frightened to even venture into Diagon Alley alone these days.  And as for Emerald City!  Well!  I don't know how Draco is going to handle all that, or if he even plans to.  He never was one for responsibility.  I remember that time back at Hogwarts, I think we were in our third year, Hagrid's first year teaching Care for Magical Creatures, you know, when he refused to listen to Hagrid, and got himself attacked by that poor Buckbeak.  And to top it off, he blamed it on Hagrid's poor teaching skills, and lack of responsibility!

All this time, Ron has been stirring his Muggle tea without looking up.  When Hermione pauses a Muggle pause, he raises his head, nods to acknowledge her Muggle words, and takes a  Muggle sip.  Hermione continues.  She has a cup of Muggle tea in one hand, but does not drink from it.

Hermione:  Now, I'm not saying that Hagrid is the most responsible either.  He was the one who tried to raise that baby dragon, Norbert, surrounded by all that wood.  Not very intelligent.  And, to top it off, he didn't even realize that hooded figure who gave him that Norwegian Ridgeback egg was just trying to find out the secret to get past Fluffy!  Too much drinking if you ask me.  Why, he could have easily gotten Harry, or even you or me, killed!  Not that I'm one to hold a grudge.  Why, I think that Draco is a good chap after all he tried to do to us back at school.   And for calling me "Mudblood."  

All this time, Ron has been stirring his Muggle tea without looking up.  When Hermione pauses a Muggle pause, he raises his head, nods to acknowledge her Muggle words, and takes a  Muggle sip.  Hermione continues.  She has a cup of Muggle tea in one hand, but does not drink from it.

Hermione:  And where is that Winky with our dinner!  I know I gave her the day off today, but this is outrageous.  I haven't had anything to eat all day.  

Ron:  Well now, I heard the most astonishing thing today!

Hermione:  What is it, dear?

Ron:  Did you know that Maury and Maury got married?

Hermione:  No, I had no bloody idea!  Was it mentioned in the papers today?

Ron:  No, of course not.  They have been married for five years now.  I just thought of it now, while you were talking.  

Hermione:  Well, if you knew, then why did you sound surprised?  

Ron: I just wanted to see if _you_ knew.  And you didn't.  

Hermione:  I did, too know.  I just forgot.  I know everything.  Why, I bet you didn't know that Maury and Maury are expecting their first child.  

Ron: No, I didn't know that!  They are such a happily married couple, nothing like the old married thing we've become.  Their first!  Imagine that…what do you think they will name it?  Is it a boy or a girl?

Hermione:  A girl.  And as for names, they will most likely name it Maury, after like their first two children, of which they have a boy and a girl.  They really haven't had much luck with getting both sexes of children, like they wanted.  That name is really popular in that family; why, whenever we go over to visit, I have the worst time remembering names!

Ron:  I should say you would, dear, you always had the worst memory of we two.  For instance, I bet you forgot that Maury had died last week of pneumonia.  

Hermione:  Which Maury was that?  The husband, or the wife?

Ron:  Why, the wife of course!  She was my agent for several years, right up until her death a little while ago.  I never speak of the husband by name if I can mention it, you should know that.   The sneaky bastard, always lying to that sweet woman while he was secretly sleeping around on the side.  And then he had the nerve to say he had never really loved Maury anyway!  It's a good thing they're getting a divorce.  

Hermione:  My goodness, I had no idea!  That will be all over the society pages in the Prophet next week.  We'll have to talk to Angelina for the whole story.  It's a good thing they have no children to worry about.  Children always get caught up in the middle of things.  Why, I had the worst time of it when my own parents were getting divorced.  Which reminds me dear, we must get ready for dinner at the Burrow tonight.  Although I don't know how much of it I can eat, though your mother always puts out a good spread.  I stuffed myself full all day.  It being the Christmas season, everyone has brought treats into the hospital to share.  

Hermione and Ron stand up to leave the room, putting down their Muggle teacups.  Ron encircles his wife's waist with his arm, his hand on her hip.  He gives her a quick kiss on the neck.

Ron:  Well, I daresay you'll look good in anything you decide to wear.  

Hermione and Ron exeunt.  


	2. Chapter 2: Ever seen weather like this?

The Hairy Mushroom  
  
Chapter 2  
  
For those who read the first chapter, this disclaimer applies there, too.  
J. K. Rowling owns all the characters you recognize from her books, and possibly other references, too. If any other authors own anything, I'll let you know.   
  
This is modeled after the play "The Bald Soprano" by Eugene Ionesco from the Theater of the Absurd. Absurdist playwrights were generally existentialists; they thought that all life is absurd and meaningless, unless you stick meaning in it somewhere. Maybe I should make that the idea behind the story…  
  
but I like it just fine absurd.   
  
Four young adults (literally young adults, not children) are walking around Eureka Square in California (towards the middle of the coastal area, where the weather is always sunny, except when it is foggy). They are walking in pairs. There are two flame-haired men (Fred and George, who else?), a tall black girl (Angelina Johnson) who is speaking with Fred in front, and George is walking with a petite blond (Katie Bell), behind. Although they are speaking together in a large group, it is easier to maneuver through crowds when there are two lines of two, rather than one line of four. Anyways, the number four is bad luck in China, although they are in England, because it sounds like the words "knife" and "death."  
  
Fred and Angelina seem to have a mutual attraction for each other. Unfortunately, Fred is dating a witch from the US (who is not with them). Katie is infatuated with George, who politely returns her friendship, although he is attracted to Alicia. (Now how the hell would you go about acting that out, I'd like to know…even though I wrote it!)  
  
Please read with some type of fake (or real!) British accent. Australian or Irish is acceptable, American is forbidden. It's necessary to read with an accent, because it's missing something if you don't. Americans speak in such a monotone (I'm included!).  
  
George: Maybe we should stop for dinner. I'm starving.   
  
Angelina: You're not really starving, you know. Not like those poor people in Africa are starving. You don't even know what starving is like, I bet.  
  
George: Alright, I'm not starving, but I'm really hungry. I think we should stop.   
  
Katie: Yeah, may be.  
  
Angelina: The weather out here is really boring.  
  
Katie: I like it—it's always sunny and a perfect 24 degrees. Celsius that is. I'm not quite sure what it is in American.   
  
Fred: Fahrenheit, you mean. American's not a scale.   
  
Angelina: Whatever…it's boring, like. When the fog rolls in from the oceans in the morning, it blocks the sun for a long time. I keep looking for rain.   
  
Katie: Yeah, it's so nice here.  
  
Angelina: I don't know. I could use a little rain. Nice and refreshing.  
  
Fred: Yeah, the weather here is so mild…back home, you always have to worry about those terrible storms…  
  
Angelina: You mean the ones that spring up out of nowhere? The weather can change so quickly, you never know what to expect.  
  
Fred: One minute you're out stretched in the sun, getting a tan, the next thing you know, you're surrounded by a downpour of ferocious piranhas.   
  
Katie: Piranhas?  
  
Angelina (sincerely): Yeah, piranhas. Vicious things, really. Always shooting lightning around in the air. I really hate it when they come in a blizzard. They create terrible magic storms—you get caught up in one, you don't know how you'll come out. Don't want to be outside in that weather.   
  
Fred: It's really bad when they come together in a twister, right out of nowhere. I got caught up in one once.   
  
Angelina: Is that why you only have ten fingers?  
  
Fred (angrily): Those piranhas tore my other 11 fingers right off clean, no blood flow or anything! That's why I'm not married yet, you know. No one wants to marry a freak.  
  
Angelina (bitterly): I know exactly what you're talking about. Why, I was dating a nice guy from back home once, pretty serious actually, but when he found out I was missing my third eye he split, no warning at all.  
  
George (sarcastically): That's too bad, really…  
  
George and Katie continue walking behind Fred and Angelina, listening on the conversation. They occasionally offer a neutral comment, but they have no idea where it is headed. However, they are too fascinated to start talking about something else.  
  
Fred: How'd that happen?  
  
Angelina: It was those Muggle sidewalks…the one's that lie dormant for seven years? I was walking around my great-aunt's neighbourhood, and the next thing you know, a square just jumped right out and tore out my eye.   
  
Fred: Those things are pretty intelligent predators. I mean, how did it know to go for the eye in the back of your head?  
  
Angelina: You've got me. We thought we had them under control, too, but recently there seems to be a resurgence in the number of sidewalk-attacks.   
  
Fred: Yeah, we're having a similar problem with our walls. Our house is made of piranhas…  
  
Angelina: Some fashions never take reality and common sense into consideration.  
  
Fred: Safety and function sacrificed for aesthetics. But what can you do?   
  
Angelina: Do your walls fall apart?  
  
Fred: Usually when it rains. They seem to like to join the other schools of piranhas.   
  
George (totally confused, now): Makes sense. So, who's ready to head to Mom's house? We're supposed to eat there for dinner; maybe she'd feed us lunch, too.   
  
Katie (trying to catch Fred and Angelina's attention): That sounds like a brilliant plan, grand really…  
  
Fred: Okay, I'm famished.  
  
Angelina: Do you think she'll have some of that great oil-based paint stew? I haven't had that in…  
  
Fred: Well, at least since that time we took that lunch date at the Muggle mental institution. Remember, in the padded rooms?  
  
George and Katie sigh, having failed to bring the conversation into reality. They apparate off to the Burrow, followed by Fred and Angelina. Back at the Burrow, the four walk up the walk together. No longer surrounded by crowds, they move into a closer, less divided, group.  
  
Angelina: I remember. Those were really lovely straightjackets you found. I've always wanted one of them; it would be so stylish to wear to that premiere…  
  
They knock on the door and enter the Burrow without waiting for someone to appear.   
  
Scarily enough, this was based on a real conversation, and is not based on the Bald Soprano. The next chapter should be, though.   
  
Thanks to everyone who reviewed Chapter 1. Let me know what you think, will you?   
If you're wondering where this story is headed, just remember that both chapters end with the characters heading to the Burrow. If you have any ideas or suggestions, please let me know! I'll try to fit them in.   



End file.
